Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Moved on...

Hmmm...It's been many days, I even forgot last time when i saw her or talked with her. This whole year was full of movements. I moved out of ma first job, she moved out from my life, I moved back in ma city. In between these movements i was so much puzzled that I forgot many things. Now if try to remember them, I don't find ny sense in it. But sometimes I feel that empty space right into my heart...i can feel it very clearly. Australia is exactly 5 1/2 hrs ahead of us and i can't stop myself calculating daily..."what time is it in australia?...what she might be doing right now?". One thing I am sure whereever she is and whatever she is doing...SHE IS HAPPY :). That's the only feeling which keeps me moving on. Today when I look back in time..I find so many memories flashing around with the speed of light. Memories of her, memories of my madness, memories of stubbornness, memories which I lost forever. Although I know deep in my heart that it's just a beginning and whatever happened with was a sort of wake up call for me. Still remember that that shot of Dev D in which he escapes death by inches and realizes that life is a very precious entity in this universe. We have to make full out of it, no matter in what situations we are going through.

Yesterday was yet another day for me..same morning came...lying on my bed and watching my parents doing the same daily activities and then my mobile rang out from nowhere.

XYZ: Is this gaurav sharma?
ME: Yeah !
XYZ: Gaurav I am your RM, I just called you to make it confirm that m accepting your resignation
ME: OK sir
XYZ: Best of luck for your future endeavors and by the way would you like to work with us in future?
ME: Yes of course , if I get opportunity and blah blah..... ( back of ma mind I was thinking "Y the hell I am sayin all this piece of shit")
XYZ: Bye
ME: Bye

And now I am officially out of ma first company....Saala ek dum neutral feel kar raha hun...bheja ek dum khali khali lag raha hain...No more project calls...no time'shits'...

As it is said "Jo bhi chutiyapa hota hain aur ek ache chutiyape ko initiate karta hain"...Letz c...bbye n take care


Friday, May 22, 2009

15 laws of life

Sayings of SWAMI VIVEKANAND ("Loudspeaker of Hinduism" ), India's foremost nation-builders

1. Love Is The Law Of Life: All love is expansion, all selfishness is contraction. Love is therefore the only law of life. He who loves lives, he who is selfish is dying. Therefore, love for love's sake, because it is law of life, just as you breathe to live.
2. It's Your Outlook That Matters: It is our own mental attitude, which makes the world what it is for us. Our thoughts make things beautiful, our thoughts make things ugly. The whole world is in our own minds. Learn to see things in the proper light.

3. Life is Beautiful: First, believe in this world - that there is meaning behind everything. Everything in the world is good, is holy and beautiful. If you see something evil, think that you do not understand it in the right light. Throw the burden on yourselves!

4. It's The Way You Feel: Feel like Christ and you will be a Christ; feel like Buddha and you will be a Buddha. It is feeling that is the life, the strength, the vitality, without which no amount of intellectual activity can reach God.

5. Set Yourself Free: The moment I have realised God sitting in the temple of every human body, the moment I stand in reverence before every human being and see God in him - that moment I am free from bondage, everything that binds vanishes, and I am free.

6. Don't Play The Blame Game: Condemn none: if you can stretch out a helping hand, do so. If you cannot, fold your hands, bless your brothers, and let them go their own way.

7. Help Others: If money helps a man to do good to others, it is of some value; but if not, it is simply a mass of evil, and the sooner it is got rid of, the better.

8. Uphold Your Ideals: Our duty is to encourage every one in his struggle to live up to his own highest idea, and strive at the same time to make the ideal as near as possible to the Truth.

9. Listen To Your Soul: You have to grow from the inside out. None can teach you, none can make you spiritual. There is no other teacher but your own soul.

10. Be Yourself: The greatest religion is to be true to your own nature. Have faith in yourselves!

11. Nothing Is Impossible: Never think there is anything impossible for the soul. It is the greatest heresy to think so. If there is sin, this is the only sin - to say that you are weak, or others are weak.

12. You Have The Power: All the powers in the universe are already ours. It is we who have put our hands before our eyes and cry that it is dark.

13. Learn Everyday: The goal of mankind is knowledge... now this knowledge is inherent in man. No knowledge comes from outside: it is all inside. What we say a man 'knows', should, in strict psychological language, be what he 'discovers' or 'unveils'; what man 'learns' is really what he discovers by taking the cover off his own soul, which is a mine of infinite knowledge.

14. Be Truthful: Everything can be sacrificed for truth, but truth cannot be sacrificed for anything.

15. Think Different: All differences in this world are of degree, and not of kind, because oneness is the secret of everything.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


These are words of Deepak Chopra, an Indian-American medical doctor and writer. He has written extensively on spirituality and diverse topics in mind-body medicine. He has also been influenced by the teachings of Vedanta and the Bhagavad Gita, and by the field of quantum physics. I found them very beautiful.

A lover knows only humility, he has no choice.
He steals into your alley at night, he has no choice.
He longs to kiss every lock of your hair, don't fret,
he has no choice.
In his frenzied love for you, he longs to break the chains of his imprisonment,
he has no choice.

A lover asked his beloved:
- Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied: I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learnings,
but from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.

I love myself...I love you.
I love you...I love myself.

I am your lover, come to my side,
I will open the gate to your love.
Come settle with me, let us be neighbours to the stars.
You have been hiding so long, endlessly drifting in the sea of my love.
Even so, you have always been connected to me.
Concealed, revealed, in the unknown, in the un-manifest.
I am life itself.

You have been a prisoner of a little pond,
I am the ocean and its turbulent flood.
Come merge with me,
leave this world of ignorance.
Be with me, I will open the gate to your love.

I desire you more than food or drink
My body my senses my mind hunger for your taste
I can sense your presence in my heart
although you belong to all the world
I wait with silent passïon for one gesture one glance
from you.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Fucking Aggression

From past many months m having this strange feeling of anger...dunno on whom m angry..is it on her, who made fool out of me or me who knowingly became fool. Here it goes..

Fuck this world
Fuck those parasites holding u down
Fuck each n every moment of disgrace u faced
Fuck all the pain u took
Fuck all the lies u got
Fuck that cunning smile
Fuck those baseless talks
Fuck this whole universe
Fuck those false promises
Fuck those fake attitude
Fuck these memories
Fuck that pic in ur album
Fuck that profile on ur orkut
Fuck this fucking word LOVE....

Monday, May 11, 2009

State of mind (A State of Trance)

Lyrics of a song which m listening rite now...ASOT always gives me a sense of relief n suddenly out of nowhere this song came in between...i googled the lyrics n found....they resemble my present State Of Mind so much that m luving it to the core :)

ATB feat. Roberta - Swept Away

I don’t know what you mean to me
I don’t even know what it takes
To begin to conceal this break
In a world I know so well

Get away for the next one
All alone in this single town
Ever dearly I’m still around
With my feet still on the ground

Everything that you mean to me
Is tangled up in a broken dream
And I keep hoping that this sorrow
Will get swept away

I’m alone in a symphony
I’m a ride in a shiny maze
And I keep hoping that this sorrow
Will get swept away

Yeah I keep hoping that the sorrow
Will get lost and swept away

Hope this will get swept away
Hope this will get lost and swept away
Hope this will get swept away
Hope this will get lost and swept away

Dead Letters

Last time u asked me that i never told that i missed u or not...ok, lemme tell u sumthin now

"D" there r times in ur life when u really start luving sumthin very much...u think about it day n night...u spend endless nights dreaming about them...I also felt the same. Initially i thought it might be a "infatuation" ( As u stated it one day, i still remember :) )...but when it went keep on growing, whether it was ur simplicity or may b ur innocence...i dunno what it was which was dragging me towards u evry second. The moment i use to hear ur voice, it gave me such a instant brust of energy....that if m dying also, i'll wake from that eternal sleep n will shout "I M VERY MUCH ALIVE :)". Whenever i saw u smiling, that use to be my best moment...that freshness....purity...I never experienced till now. Everytime when u use to give me suggestion i always felt reflection of my MOM in ur voice. U won't believe it..the day when u told me about SECRET book....i was coming from office n then u called me..we chatted for more then 2.5 continuous hrs....tat moment i realized that "Gaurav, there is really sumone out there who cares for u alot"...While u were talking with me, tears were rolling out from my eyes...still i dunno y :-??. Today i want to jot down all those moments which i won't forget in this whole lifetime.

1) The day when our training project was going on...i asked u n shwetha to stay after hrs....when u were leaving STC in afternoon, that moment we got to know that bus was at 8:00 PM. We were standing in front of STC reception n talking...i remember asking u "Y don't u stay here in STC for one day" n u replied "No, i can't my dad won't allow me :) ". Then we roamed around in STC for a while n u told me how much u like this place :). Suddenly shwetha's foot started paining n u told me that while catching bus 2day she got sprain in her leg.

2) While training was going on in STC n u were sitting next to me...there i saw u sleeping peacefully behind the monitor ;). U were luking so beautiful at that moment, i thought of saying it to u. But then u would have thought "This guy is crazy or what ;) "....so i stared at u silently :).

3) Our valedictory, u wore saree on that day :)...i was sipping up my coffee when i saw u first time n i remember asking Amit at tat moment "Who is that girl, i never saw her in our training"...Amit was on floor n told me "What happened to u..it's the girl who sat next to u for whole 3 months :D ". That was the first n last time i guess when i saw u wearing saree :).

4) After our training was over i went to Jaipur...at that moment i realized how much i was missing u. Though i screwed it up when we met in HARSHA again :P. I guess u remember when u came near to me n out of no where Jagdish came n asked me for lunch. Then u noted ur point while chatting that u really felt very bad about that incident. I swear it was totally unintentionally from my side :).

5) One fine day u got project call n u called me for the first time in night (odd hrs). U were really tensed n nervous at that moment about the interview n all. Shall i tell u one secret :)...i was pretty much sure about the fact that u were about to get selected...but the feeling that u won't b there in office with me from 2morrow onwards was eating up me from inside :( . That was the last time when we worked together :( .

6) Will remember that moment when we first time met each other outside office. Sitting with u there on boat n going to Budha Statue was like dream come true for me :). I screwed up that meeting by offering u that Pav Bhaji in eat street...which i guess u guys didn't njoyed :P...though u njoyed that baloon in the end i guess :)

7) I guess the moment which changed things forever....i was transferred to Bangalore. I remember carrying that heavy feeling of witnessing tears in ur eyes :(. We were there in barista at that moment. That was the first time i saw sumone crying for me...m frank enough to confess that sumhow i controlled myself at that moment. But after reaching home i was flooded in tears :(. I was crying like a kid in train also when u were there on phone.

8) I remember my each n evry trip made from Bangalore to Hyderabad :). Everytime it was like a devotee making a visit to temple n feeling eternal relief n peace :)

9) The day when u recited vishnu sahasranama on phone for me...to b frank i'll remember tat moment the most in my life :). It was heavenly feeling listening u at that time...i didn't understood a single word..but then also was njoying it a lot :). N then u sung that Jodha- Akbar song for me...i must tell u that sumtimes u need sumone else to realize ur hidden talent..u sung it sooo well that i was hypnotized for a while :). Wish i could hear it one more time :( . But as it is said that 'U don't get the most beautiful things in ur life, which u desire the most'....or maybe i was not that fortunate enough.

10) I'll remember that "foolish point" where ur call always use to drop :) (Wish i could have seen that point).

11) The day when ur cell was lost...u were very sad at that moment. After reaching office u called me n told the whole incident. While talking with u suddenly it striked me that how cum u got to know my no n then u told me that "I by-hearted ur cell no. long back" :). I can bet u now that u don't remember my present no.

11) Everytime u use to tell me about SHANKAR MATH....i use to have that strong urge of visiting that place with u. Many times i told u also about my this desire. I guess in this lifetime i couldn't saw that wish cumin true. All these things breaks me from inside sumtime :(

12) One fine day u were there with ur best friend Srikanth n u didn't picked up my call. For a moment i lost all my patience...n got really angry for the first time on u. I remember saying u one day to me that "I m not that kind of girl who considers what ppl will think...when it comes to my good friends". I still dunno what happened to u at that moment...n that day also when in INFOCITY u dragged me to parking lot sayin 'Ppl will think sumthin wrong". On the other hand i never hear u sayin all this crap when we were there in training n bench. There also we use to talk so openly...without bothering about others. I remember whenever u use to call me outside in patni....to talk..i always use to point this thing that it doesn't look good if we talk like this separately....n then u will say 'I don't care about others, m fine with that".
If this is my last mail to u then lemme tell u one thing "D"...that was really surprising to me. It'll always remain mystery to me that Y U REACTED IN THIS WAY !.

13) I'll remember this married guy "S" cuming into ur life. At that time i was there in Chennai n from that moment i started missing u. In beginning when u told me about him, i thought that u r mature enough to handle all this. N then suddenly one day he became ur good friend. I was not having ny problem with ur ny friend or good friend, after all it's ur life n u can choose to do nythin. But problem got started when he took all my space. N i still wonder about this co-incidence that the same moment u thought of pulling me out of this LOVE feeling by keeping distance :( . If u were that much concern about me "D", then u would have done this long back...the day when i proposed u.Maybe my part was over the date when S came inside in ur life. Neways, i know that sumtimes there r things which r not to b discussed...u can just figure them out n stay silent. Today i don't want to discuss all this cause i know u got sick of listening them. But just wanted u to make realize that i was also mature enough to understand.

14) I'll remember those endless hrs waiting for ur miss call.

If u have read till here...then i really apologize for making this letter so long n bulky. But "D" there r times in ur life when u really can't understand what makes ppl react in strange manner. That was true...i was getting really serious about u at one point of time n it was not good for me. I really appreciate that u noticed it n tried to make me understand. But 2day i want to ask u one question "If we have a tumor in our body...do we try to cure it or leave it untouched n wait for one day tat it'll get cure by itself?".

Let me tell u one big truth which u never understood...times when u were there with me n tryin ur best to make me realize that one day u'll get married to sumone else....trying to make me understand tat we r good friends...trying to listen to me n share ur own daily feelings n moment....AT THAT MOMENT "D" I REALLY STARTED TAKING U AS MY BEST FRIEND...dumping all those love feeling far aside i accepted u as one true friend. I dunno from where this need came, to make distance from me n leave me alone in this screwed up world :(.

Names of ur teammates(Cyber Space) were there on my tips....if u wake me up from sleep, then also i would be able to tell the whole flow of ur project. I still remember that it was sumthin to do with Audit :). Whether it was Chandana's self-boosting..or safoora's sweet nature...satish's rudeness sumtimes...i was knowing each n evry single bit of ur personal n professional life :). I was truely happy at that moment.

N then all my happiness vanished away...all my peace went. Everything got changed...i was not even known for days also that u got into new project. I kept on asking u what's going on in ur professional life...n till date u gave me the same answer "It's fine but busy Gaurav !". I know u "D" very well...i know that without sharing ur things with sumone very close (whether it's ur mom or sis or a very good friend) u can't end ur day. That's true "D" that nothing got changed...u didn't changed a bit....the only thing which got change were those ears which use to hear all this. Now sumoneelse was knowing evry bit about ur professional n as well as personla life. Nothing unusual about this, it's quite normal human feeling.....n i reacted in that manner only...i paniced...begged u....but always got sum meaningless excuses, which i guess u were also knowing at back of ur mind. Sometimes it became an excuse to pull me out of all this feeling...sumtimes it became busyness of ur project...sumtimes u urself were not knowing what u r saying to me. But at the end when i manipulated evrything then i got to know that things were not as transparent as they use to be.

The only reason to gave u that Thanks card on ur b'day was to make u realize that u taught me many things. U taught me not to trust nyone blindly...u taught me not to expect nything from nyone....u taught me how to keep all pain n anger inside ur heart n smile.....u taught me that love can't b the only reason to stay closer with sumone...u taught me that comfort n security always wins love....u taught me that one should never compromise to himself/herself....n finally u taught me that love can't give u all comforts of this world.

While all this was going in my mind...I was missing u "D"...i was missing that smile...i was missing those eyes...i was missing evry single beat of my heart. One thing i'll never ever regret in my life "D"...that without expecting nything from u i gave evry single bit of my living, in these 2.5 yrs. I did whatever i could have done for u....i overstepped my limits sumtime to gave u that smile which u always deserved.

Many ppl proposed u...many became ur friends afterwards...some of them became good friends at later point of time. U became sooo used to all these LOVE CRAP...that u lost the true meaning of LOVE. I won't blame u for all this coz that's normal human nature to ignore all things which we get without asking...n slowly with time we don't give importance to them. We always chase those things which we don't have...maybe in ur case it was all materialistic crap. One day m sure "D" that u'll realize the true meaning of love...u'll realize how important it is for living. Getting money...grwoing in career...assembling all comforts of life...all these things r not meant to be given such importance. With the span of time we can achieve all this wordily mambo-jumbo. One day m sure i'll b also earning in 6 digits...one day i'll b also owning my own flat n car...i know i'll do it one day.

U didn't liked me doing R&D on u....But i wanted to know each n evry thing about u...evrything which makes "D" as "D"...whether it's ur likings n disliking..whether it's the color u like...dish u like...ppl u like...MAN of ur dreams(things u wrote on ur matrimonial profile)...even the type of PANIPURI u like !.I met reddy n shwetha personally few days b4 just to get more insight of u. N when they started saying about u n there friendship with u...i really started feeling fine :). They told me so many things about u which u never shared with me( may be u didn't considered me so important to know about all this)...I was bit shocked when reddy told me about the fact that u were looking KRISHNA from past 2 months, n i was not at all aware...they just told me considering this fact that we r good friends n i must b knowing all this.More shocking was me the fact that they both r invited to ur marriage n i was not (coz u told me that it won't look good when ur friends will b there on marriage occasion..so u r just giving formal invitaion to ur good friends)..neways as i said u b4 itl all depends on ur likings n importance which u give to ur good friends. After talking with them i got to know that whatever i was expecting out of u till now..was just dream which never came true..a dream to become a part of ur life (just a minor part)...a dream to leave sum impression on u for future...a dream to make u my true friend.I know reddy was not having ny feeling for u...he was already in deep love with sumone else...so automatically things became easy for him..he never took this issue up that y didn't we talked for so many months...he never waited endlessly to meet u...coz his heart was there with sumone else..n eventually he became ur best friend, coz of all this. Take one example "D", if b4 meeting u i was there in luv with sum other girl or sumthin...i would have also treated u very normally...i wouldn't have devoted myself in this longing crap...n then u would have realized a good friend in me. But things were not like that...i was loving u that's y i gave u so importance...tat's y i was always available..but i never thought in my wildest dreams also that one day u'll drop me in "AS FOR GRANTED CATEGORY" just coz of this.U never realized but for whole one year literally we were there together atleast 12 hrs. a day...whether it was on phone..on communicator or on yahoo..we were there together( u never spended that much time with shwetha n reddy also, that's y i guess they never reacted in this way the way m reacting now). "D", if we spend so much time with a non-living thing also, slowly n slowly we'll start taking care for it...we'll bond ourself with the importance of tat thing...in my case "D" it was ME "D".."A..LIVING THING"...U r there with this S from past 1 yr...but u know very well that what he likes n what he doesn't...he don't like u talking with sum other guy...he like taking lunch with u daily....he don't like u going with sumone else when he is there. Surprisingly u respected his liking n disliking n acted in same way....neglecting for a while, that what the other person would be thinking. Even i also expected u the same with u "D"...even i also wanted to take lunch with u atleast once..even i also wanted to meet u...even i also desired that kind of attention n respect( which i got for whole 1.5 yrs). I can't get into ur head n get to know that what u thought about me from beginning...but i got sure about one thing now..."THE URGE TO GET COMFORT N SECURITY CAN CHANGE EVRYTHING". Don't want to tell u but this is the truth that if this S was also sum normal ELTP or associate..u would not have taken him seriously. I don't know how much he loves his wife n kids..but devoting his valuable time(which he could have devoted for his family)...he did for u...whether it was waiting for u..for hrs..just to drop u..or cuming from samajiguda to hitech on peak hrs in evening just to pick u up. I still wonder that being a mature girl...y u entertained him while he was doing all this crap. Very rarely when i requested u to drop u to home in auto...u deined it by saying that "I don't want u to spend money unnecessarily on auto fare" (but u never considered how much time n money he would be spending while cuming from samajiguda to hitech).U know "D" there r so many things to tell n discuss that this whole letter can become a book afterwards...but there is no point in discussing all this. Coz this whole episode taught me one thing clearly "That what Hari did with me..u also did the same thing". But i guess that's what ppl do usually nowdays (Think about ur profit always). Consider me as a psycho..maniac..or crazy in future..to be frank "i really don't care now".....

Today u r getting married...I don't know much about Krishna. I hope he loves u passionately...respect ur feelings n understands u very well :). Within few yrs. u'll b having ur own family, kids. If one fine day ur kid starts behaving like me...starts singing that love rhyme...then plz for my sake don't stop him or her.Let her/him do whatever he/she wants to do....cause eventually with time this whole love episode will teach him/her hell lot of things :).

I m not sure how much far we'll go together....but u always make one thing sure in ur life...If this whole world turns against u, then just take a look around n u'll find me standing beside u :)

I'll end this huge letter with one strange feeling that i always sensed...whenever i looked into ur eyes, i felt that u loved sumone truely :).

P.S:- We should always care for those..who care for us n i guess that's where i tumbled !

God Bless U "D" :)

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Thanks D for giving me a reason !

Now she is getting married...yesterday she told me about it. Hmm...so m crying...m in gr8 grief...m in pain...so much that i can't bear it...yes, u guys r expecting right. M going through all these different dimension of emotions. After competing 24 worst hrs of my life..m feeling a new life, so fresh...so pure...that i have ever imagined. M feeling like a convict who did all wrong things in his life...seen all dark side of BAD...n now waiting to "HANG TILL DEATH"...when that final time arrives after endless longing...that feeling is sooo pure n joyful ...it gives you instant brust of energy. 
Now what to do next?....hmm...O.K letz start with my goals n career...or shall i wait for a while?..No i should not wait now..i should move on now :). I should touch n feel other aspects of life...now m mature, i have learned a lot. I can make my life really meaningful n happy. I can live it up to the best.

Hey, wait a sec...is it she who taught me all this?..yes, she did..she showed me a hell lot of things. But at the end i guess that's what ppl do whom u love n like a lot. If they don't react in this way then how will u b able to c the darker side of life. How can u wake up in morning n say it's morning, when u never know about night. If we c the big picture then it's like u r searching for best track in pile of CDs without hearing other creations. Now i have to feel that rythem n bass which i never experienced. As one of my friend told me one day "Let the music beam louder,so loud dat u only hear the thump of the beats,even wen u are DEAF"
I guess that's the only thing i have to follow now. I'll make myself DEAF n will hear only to my inner self :).

"I loved her a lot...i love her..n i'll love her forever"...Can't fool myself nymore

Soon she'll b deleting here ORKUT profile..so wanted to preserve this testi here forever:-

"G...a gr8 frnd of mine..tall and intelligent..very cool...loves to ride his bike...so mad about music that he cant live without his mp3 player..an internet freak..he has a huge collection of songs...tryin to become a gr8 DJ one day..talks less and listens more..he gives lot of value to friendship and is very choosy about his friends..very cool most of the times..but when he gets angry no one can dare to talk to him..always tries to help others..u cant afford to miss a frnd like him!!"

Here is what i wrote about her:-

"I've never seen a smiling face that was choooo beautiful n pleasing......“Because of your smile, you make ur n someone else life more beautiful.”.......just keep smiling for the rest of ur life.... "

P.S- Every once in ur life, u feel one true moment...just u have to open ur eyes :)

Love You

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dead Letters n Endless Longing

This was one of the innumerable letters I've written but never posted... You know who I have written to... I know who I have written to...

Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…?
Was it…was it that HE loved you more? Never…never can anyone ever love you more than I do…. did I mean. Useless issues at this point of time…but still…
You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you…
I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much…
True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I?
There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…

You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and HIM? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…?
Is he urs so called MAN? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…?
Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind cars...going insane if i feel that u r sitting in one of them n njoying ur ride...Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed your office, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you....
Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times?
Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each!
True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why love me so…. when I don’t care a damn about you?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…
Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away?
Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try, still continues to love you…....?"...As I promised you that one day i'll let u read all this...maybe on that day u can realize how much i was deeply disturbed or maybe not?...Till then u would have intrected with thousand of ppl...many Gs would have come into ur life till then...Many would have gone insane...But i can bet that u'll still remember me...not because u were having feelings about me, but because still I'll b the same guy who saw u for the first time during training n said "Hi"....

God Bless U !

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Ten commandments for Perfect Peace Of Mind

Peace of mind is the most sought after 'commodity' in human life. It appears that most of us are in a state of perpetual restlessness. On analyzing the causes of this restlessness, Recently i came across a very nice piece of advice which i want to share on this space. Following are the ten solutions that need to be followed religiously if we are serious about achieving perfect peace of mind :)

1. Do not interfere in others' business

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others' affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic, and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction.

This kind of attitude on our part denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of God, for God has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way. All men or women act the way they do because they are prompted to do so by the Divine within them. There is God to look after everything. Why are you bothered? Mind your own business and you will have your peace.

2. Forget and forgive

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often nurture ill feeling inside our heart for the person who insults or harms us. We forget that the insult or injury was done to us once but by nourishing the grievance we go on excavating the wound forever. Therefore it is essential that we cultivate the art of forgiving and forgetting. Believe in the justice of God and the doctrine of Karma. Let Him judge the act of the one who insulted you. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forget, forgive, and march on.

3. Do not crave for recognition

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motive. They may praise you today because you are rich and have power but no sooner you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and start criticizing you.

Moreover, no one is perfect. Then why do you value the words of praise of another mortal like you? Why do you crave for recognition? Believe in yourself. People's praises do not last long. Do your duties ethically and sincerely and leave the rest to God.

4. Do not be jealous

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know you work harder than your colleagues in the office but they get promotions, you do not. You started a business several years ago but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. Should you be jealous? No, remember everybody's life is shaped by his previous Karma that has now become his destiny. If you are destined to be rich, not all the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere, but will only give you restlessness.

5. Change yourself according to the environment

If you try to change the environment single handedly, the chances are you may fail. Instead, change yourself to suit the environment. As you do this, even the environment, which has remained unfriendly for you, will mysteriously appear to be congenial and harmonious.

6. Endure what cannot be cured

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations and accidents that are beyond our control. We must learn to endure them cheerfully thinking, "God will it so, so be it". God's logic is beyond our comprehension. Believe it and you will gain in patience, in inner strength, in will power.

7. Do not bite more than you can chew

This maxim should be always remembered. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable to carry out. This is done to satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. Spend your free time on prayers, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind, which make you restless. Fewer the thoughts, greater is the peace of mind.

8. Meditate regularly

Meditation makes the mind thoughtless. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it. If you meditate earnestly for half an hour every day, you will tend to become calm during the remaining twenty-three and a half hours. Your mind will not be disturbed as much as before. This will increase your efficiency and you will turn out more work in less time.

9. Never leave the mind vacant

An empty mind is devil's workshop. All evil deeds start in the mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. You must decide what you value more - money or peace of mind. Your hobby, like social work may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even if you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of God's name (japa).

10. Do not procrastinate and never regret

Do not waste time in wondering "should I or shouldn't I?" Days, weeks, months and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Always remember God has His own plan too. Value your time and do things. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can rectify your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET! Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the will of God. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's will. Why cry?

God Bless You All,


Thursday, February 26, 2009

An Ordinary day :)

It's been long time i wrote nythin on ma blog...Maybe coz there was no flashback stuff left or maybe m too busy in finding ways which can keep me busy. Well, rite now I m thinking about movie I saw last night "Fight Club". This movie revolves around a guy who considers himself worth for nothin. Noone cares about him whether he is dead or alive. He considers evry human being moving around him as a xerox copy of each other. Evryone is lying, evryone's heart is filled up with haterd n envy, evryone is playing the same game..evrywhere. After watching that movie i realized that there was not much difference between his n my world..ppl around me. I liked one of pitt's dialogue i.e "Things u own ends up owning you" well, that's 200% true. Anyways after watching that movie i got to know that one of ma roomies b'day is there. It was 2:30 AM n i was feelin hell lot of tired..i lost my patience n slept. Morning i woke up..took my sweet morning fag n then wished b'day boy. Then for a while i thought what should i do or think today to make my day smooth..think...think...think....nothin came into my mind n i left that thought in midway only ;). Usually i do such inspirational crap but at the end it makes me feel as if m a psycho or highly depressed guy.....n desperately need all this. At the end of day only one question remains in ma mind Y she did this thing to me?..Y sumone came into my life n made such a huge diffrence..which m not going to fill it ever again... Evrything happens for a reason, may b there is some fu**in reason behind it. But yes, life is very unpredictable..u never know whats next !.
As usual
Sudhir, my colleague came on to my desk n asking for a smoke. Ok, enough for 2day..i'll make a move now :)

See you again

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Final Flashback

Days passed n i got transferred to chennai. My first impression for chennai was

1. Heat heat heat heat and heat....
4.Ofcourse, Rajnikanth ;)

The moment i stepped out of my A.C bus, i was in totally soaked in sweat. It was sweating like hell...i thought if it continues like that then soon I'll die of dehydration. Somehow i managed to land in my friend's room. From my first day i started my counting days when I'll b out of this hell. Everything was a big headache there...starting from morning till u fall asleep. Then she called me n i told her, how m bearing this third degree torcher. She was listening for a while n then told me only one sentence..."Always there will b two options in ur life, either stay happy or feel down...probability for staying happy will always b 50%, in worst case also" ...those words made gr8 impact on my mind. After that i never felt down or irritated during my stay in chennai.

That day i woke up in morning n as usual she miss called me. She was not talking normally...i sensed sumthin is wrong. After asking for many times, she told me the matter. A married psycho from her project was creating the problem. I told her to report this matter to high level management, but then she told me that this married psycho is manager or sumthin n she can't do nythin. At that moment i thought of catchin bus to hyderabad n knock that psycho on floor. But then she started taking this matter light. Evrytime when i used to ask about him, she use to change the topic sayin evrythin is going fine. One day i asked her frankly WHATS GOING ON????...she told me we both became good friends !!. I was surprised, shocked, sad...thousand emotions came into my mind within those fraction of secs. I couldn't able to talk with her that moment n dropped the call. With shaking legs i moved towards my office. My eyes were luking deep into space n legs were dragging me. Well, she told me long back that she likes people who r mature, successful n last but not the least they should be MAN...that's y it happened?..does she meant sumthin else by sayin all this?....she got whatever she was searchin for?....did she overstepped the border?....those principles, protocols etc were fake?.....what does this damn MAN means?...all these questions were banging into ma head. That married psycho gave her one proposal, that from "now onwards i'll drop n pick u up from office..DAILY !" Bingo ! that's what exactly she was searchin for...no more hush hush in local buses...running behind trains...breaking ur heads with autowalas. Comfortably sit in car n chit chat with that psycho. U guys must b thinking what happened to my daily talks....

G:OMG ! then how we'll b able to talk D?
D:Does it makes ny sense to talk daily...n u know naa i can't talk to u in front of him (
Thinking*-What is this crap?..y he is not understanding)
G:But D :(...
D:It's ok G i can understand..but what to do(
Thinking*-Phew! At last...samajh gaya bewkoof)
G:Ok :(...

In the meanwhile till date i sensed millions of lies....fake emotions...false promises .
Relationship went on degrading...bond was loosin it's strength...she was getting more comfortable n happy...i was getting tired of askin same question to almighty evryday "Y it happened to me ? :("...while she was busy in nurturing new bonds....i was loosing all hopes...while she was not at all aware of what does this damn "hope" means?....still i was tryin hard to preserve those memories.....while she was just leaving no impression behind this time :(

I won't b able to understand one thing...y ppl changes n still pretends as if nothin got changed???...how can they format their memory??...y they make promises which r supposed to b fake at later point of time??...n y ppl like me becomes victim of such situations????....But then i guess that's what they call LIFE...

With this post m ending ma flashback part...till date evrythin is going same. Finally we both r in same city but things r not same now as it use to b there. Hardly she gets time to talk with me. By this time she would have left office with him n now i should also move.
God bless u all ! :)

See you again