Dead Letters n Endless Longing

This was one of the innumerable letters I've written but never posted... You know who I have written to... I know who I have written to...

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Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…?
Was it…was it that HE loved you more? Never…never can anyone ever love you more than I do…. did I mean. Useless issues at this point of time…but still…
You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you…
I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much…
True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I?
There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…

You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and HIM? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…?
Is he urs so called MAN? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…?
Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind cars...going insane if i feel that u r sitting in one of them n njoying ur ride...Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed your office, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you....
Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times?
Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each!
True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why love me so…. when I don’t care a damn about you?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…
Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away?
Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try, still continues to love you…....?"...As I promised you that one day i'll let u read all this...maybe on that day u can realize how much i was deeply disturbed or maybe not?...Till then u would have intrected with thousand of ppl...many Gs would have come into ur life till then...Many would have gone insane...But i can bet that u'll still remember me...not because u were having feelings about me, but because still I'll b the same guy who saw u for the first time during training n said "Hi"....

God Bless U !

G