Monday, May 11, 2009

Dead Letters

Last time u asked me that i never told that i missed u or not...ok, lemme tell u sumthin now

"D" there r times in ur life when u really start luving sumthin very much...u think about it day n night...u spend endless nights dreaming about them...I also felt the same. Initially i thought it might be a "infatuation" ( As u stated it one day, i still remember :) )...but when it went keep on growing, whether it was ur simplicity or may b ur innocence...i dunno what it was which was dragging me towards u evry second. The moment i use to hear ur voice, it gave me such a instant brust of energy....that if m dying also, i'll wake from that eternal sleep n will shout "I M VERY MUCH ALIVE :)". Whenever i saw u smiling, that use to be my best moment...that freshness....purity...I never experienced till now. Everytime when u use to give me suggestion i always felt reflection of my MOM in ur voice. U won't believe it..the day when u told me about SECRET book....i was coming from office n then u called me..we chatted for more then 2.5 continuous hrs....tat moment i realized that "Gaurav, there is really sumone out there who cares for u alot"...While u were talking with me, tears were rolling out from my eyes...still i dunno y :-??. Today i want to jot down all those moments which i won't forget in this whole lifetime.

1) The day when our training project was going on...i asked u n shwetha to stay after hrs....when u were leaving STC in afternoon, that moment we got to know that bus was at 8:00 PM. We were standing in front of STC reception n talking...i remember asking u "Y don't u stay here in STC for one day" n u replied "No, i can't my dad won't allow me :) ". Then we roamed around in STC for a while n u told me how much u like this place :). Suddenly shwetha's foot started paining n u told me that while catching bus 2day she got sprain in her leg.

2) While training was going on in STC n u were sitting next to me...there i saw u sleeping peacefully behind the monitor ;). U were luking so beautiful at that moment, i thought of saying it to u. But then u would have thought "This guy is crazy or what ;) " i stared at u silently :).

3) Our valedictory, u wore saree on that day :)...i was sipping up my coffee when i saw u first time n i remember asking Amit at tat moment "Who is that girl, i never saw her in our training"...Amit was on floor n told me "What happened to's the girl who sat next to u for whole 3 months :D ". That was the first n last time i guess when i saw u wearing saree :).

4) After our training was over i went to that moment i realized how much i was missing u. Though i screwed it up when we met in HARSHA again :P. I guess u remember when u came near to me n out of no where Jagdish came n asked me for lunch. Then u noted ur point while chatting that u really felt very bad about that incident. I swear it was totally unintentionally from my side :).

5) One fine day u got project call n u called me for the first time in night (odd hrs). U were really tensed n nervous at that moment about the interview n all. Shall i tell u one secret :)...i was pretty much sure about the fact that u were about to get selected...but the feeling that u won't b there in office with me from 2morrow onwards was eating up me from inside :( . That was the last time when we worked together :( .

6) Will remember that moment when we first time met each other outside office. Sitting with u there on boat n going to Budha Statue was like dream come true for me :). I screwed up that meeting by offering u that Pav Bhaji in eat street...which i guess u guys didn't njoyed :P...though u njoyed that baloon in the end i guess :)

7) I guess the moment which changed things forever....i was transferred to Bangalore. I remember carrying that heavy feeling of witnessing tears in ur eyes :(. We were there in barista at that moment. That was the first time i saw sumone crying for me...m frank enough to confess that sumhow i controlled myself at that moment. But after reaching home i was flooded in tears :(. I was crying like a kid in train also when u were there on phone.

8) I remember my each n evry trip made from Bangalore to Hyderabad :). Everytime it was like a devotee making a visit to temple n feeling eternal relief n peace :)

9) The day when u recited vishnu sahasranama on phone for b frank i'll remember tat moment the most in my life :). It was heavenly feeling listening u at that time...i didn't understood a single word..but then also was njoying it a lot :). N then u sung that Jodha- Akbar song for me...i must tell u that sumtimes u need sumone else to realize ur hidden talent..u sung it sooo well that i was hypnotized for a while :). Wish i could hear it one more time :( . But as it is said that 'U don't get the most beautiful things in ur life, which u desire the most'....or maybe i was not that fortunate enough.

10) I'll remember that "foolish point" where ur call always use to drop :) (Wish i could have seen that point).

11) The day when ur cell was lost...u were very sad at that moment. After reaching office u called me n told the whole incident. While talking with u suddenly it striked me that how cum u got to know my no n then u told me that "I by-hearted ur cell no. long back" :). I can bet u now that u don't remember my present no.

11) Everytime u use to tell me about SHANKAR MATH....i use to have that strong urge of visiting that place with u. Many times i told u also about my this desire. I guess in this lifetime i couldn't saw that wish cumin true. All these things breaks me from inside sumtime :(

12) One fine day u were there with ur best friend Srikanth n u didn't picked up my call. For a moment i lost all my patience...n got really angry for the first time on u. I remember saying u one day to me that "I m not that kind of girl who considers what ppl will think...when it comes to my good friends". I still dunno what happened to u at that moment...n that day also when in INFOCITY u dragged me to parking lot sayin 'Ppl will think sumthin wrong". On the other hand i never hear u sayin all this crap when we were there in training n bench. There also we use to talk so openly...without bothering about others. I remember whenever u use to call me outside in talk..i always use to point this thing that it doesn't look good if we talk like this separately....n then u will say 'I don't care about others, m fine with that".
If this is my last mail to u then lemme tell u one thing "D"...that was really surprising to me. It'll always remain mystery to me that Y U REACTED IN THIS WAY !.

13) I'll remember this married guy "S" cuming into ur life. At that time i was there in Chennai n from that moment i started missing u. In beginning when u told me about him, i thought that u r mature enough to handle all this. N then suddenly one day he became ur good friend. I was not having ny problem with ur ny friend or good friend, after all it's ur life n u can choose to do nythin. But problem got started when he took all my space. N i still wonder about this co-incidence that the same moment u thought of pulling me out of this LOVE feeling by keeping distance :( . If u were that much concern about me "D", then u would have done this long back...the day when i proposed u.Maybe my part was over the date when S came inside in ur life. Neways, i know that sumtimes there r things which r not to b discussed...u can just figure them out n stay silent. Today i don't want to discuss all this cause i know u got sick of listening them. But just wanted u to make realize that i was also mature enough to understand.

14) I'll remember those endless hrs waiting for ur miss call.

If u have read till here...then i really apologize for making this letter so long n bulky. But "D" there r times in ur life when u really can't understand what makes ppl react in strange manner. That was true...i was getting really serious about u at one point of time n it was not good for me. I really appreciate that u noticed it n tried to make me understand. But 2day i want to ask u one question "If we have a tumor in our we try to cure it or leave it untouched n wait for one day tat it'll get cure by itself?".

Let me tell u one big truth which u never understood...times when u were there with me n tryin ur best to make me realize that one day u'll get married to sumone else....trying to make me understand tat we r good friends...trying to listen to me n share ur own daily feelings n moment....AT THAT MOMENT "D" I REALLY STARTED TAKING U AS MY BEST FRIEND...dumping all those love feeling far aside i accepted u as one true friend. I dunno from where this need came, to make distance from me n leave me alone in this screwed up world :(.

Names of ur teammates(Cyber Space) were there on my tips....if u wake me up from sleep, then also i would be able to tell the whole flow of ur project. I still remember that it was sumthin to do with Audit :). Whether it was Chandana's self-boosting..or safoora's sweet nature...satish's rudeness sumtimes...i was knowing each n evry single bit of ur personal n professional life :). I was truely happy at that moment.

N then all my happiness vanished away...all my peace went. Everything got changed...i was not even known for days also that u got into new project. I kept on asking u what's going on in ur professional life...n till date u gave me the same answer "It's fine but busy Gaurav !". I know u "D" very well...i know that without sharing ur things with sumone very close (whether it's ur mom or sis or a very good friend) u can't end ur day. That's true "D" that nothing got changed...u didn't changed a bit....the only thing which got change were those ears which use to hear all this. Now sumoneelse was knowing evry bit about ur professional n as well as personla life. Nothing unusual about this, it's quite normal human feeling.....n i reacted in that manner only...i paniced...begged u....but always got sum meaningless excuses, which i guess u were also knowing at back of ur mind. Sometimes it became an excuse to pull me out of all this feeling...sumtimes it became busyness of ur project...sumtimes u urself were not knowing what u r saying to me. But at the end when i manipulated evrything then i got to know that things were not as transparent as they use to be.

The only reason to gave u that Thanks card on ur b'day was to make u realize that u taught me many things. U taught me not to trust nyone blindly...u taught me not to expect nything from nyone....u taught me how to keep all pain n anger inside ur heart n smile.....u taught me that love can't b the only reason to stay closer with sumone...u taught me that comfort n security always wins love....u taught me that one should never compromise to himself/herself....n finally u taught me that love can't give u all comforts of this world.

While all this was going in my mind...I was missing u "D"...i was missing that smile...i was missing those eyes...i was missing evry single beat of my heart. One thing i'll never ever regret in my life "D"...that without expecting nything from u i gave evry single bit of my living, in these 2.5 yrs. I did whatever i could have done for u....i overstepped my limits sumtime to gave u that smile which u always deserved.

Many ppl proposed u...many became ur friends afterwards...some of them became good friends at later point of time. U became sooo used to all these LOVE CRAP...that u lost the true meaning of LOVE. I won't blame u for all this coz that's normal human nature to ignore all things which we get without asking...n slowly with time we don't give importance to them. We always chase those things which we don't have...maybe in ur case it was all materialistic crap. One day m sure "D" that u'll realize the true meaning of love...u'll realize how important it is for living. Getting money...grwoing in career...assembling all comforts of life...all these things r not meant to be given such importance. With the span of time we can achieve all this wordily mambo-jumbo. One day m sure i'll b also earning in 6 day i'll b also owning my own flat n car...i know i'll do it one day.

U didn't liked me doing R&D on u....But i wanted to know each n evry thing about u...evrything which makes "D" as "D"...whether it's ur likings n disliking..whether it's the color u u like...ppl u like...MAN of ur dreams(things u wrote on ur matrimonial profile)...even the type of PANIPURI u like !.I met reddy n shwetha personally few days b4 just to get more insight of u. N when they started saying about u n there friendship with u...i really started feeling fine :). They told me so many things about u which u never shared with me( may be u didn't considered me so important to know about all this)...I was bit shocked when reddy told me about the fact that u were looking KRISHNA from past 2 months, n i was not at all aware...they just told me considering this fact that we r good friends n i must b knowing all this.More shocking was me the fact that they both r invited to ur marriage n i was not (coz u told me that it won't look good when ur friends will b there on marriage u r just giving formal invitaion to ur good friends)..neways as i said u b4 itl all depends on ur likings n importance which u give to ur good friends. After talking with them i got to know that whatever i was expecting out of u till now..was just dream which never came true..a dream to become a part of ur life (just a minor part)...a dream to leave sum impression on u for future...a dream to make u my true friend.I know reddy was not having ny feeling for u...he was already in deep love with sumone automatically things became easy for him..he never took this issue up that y didn't we talked for so many months...he never waited endlessly to meet u...coz his heart was there with sumone else..n eventually he became ur best friend, coz of all this. Take one example "D", if b4 meeting u i was there in luv with sum other girl or sumthin...i would have also treated u very normally...i wouldn't have devoted myself in this longing crap...n then u would have realized a good friend in me. But things were not like that...i was loving u that's y i gave u so importance...tat's y i was always available..but i never thought in my wildest dreams also that one day u'll drop me in "AS FOR GRANTED CATEGORY" just coz of this.U never realized but for whole one year literally we were there together atleast 12 hrs. a day...whether it was on phone..on communicator or on yahoo..we were there together( u never spended that much time with shwetha n reddy also, that's y i guess they never reacted in this way the way m reacting now). "D", if we spend so much time with a non-living thing also, slowly n slowly we'll start taking care for it...we'll bond ourself with the importance of tat my case "D" it was ME "D".."A..LIVING THING"...U r there with this S from past 1 yr...but u know very well that what he likes n what he doesn't...he don't like u talking with sum other guy...he like taking lunch with u daily....he don't like u going with sumone else when he is there. Surprisingly u respected his liking n disliking n acted in same way....neglecting for a while, that what the other person would be thinking. Even i also expected u the same with u "D"...even i also wanted to take lunch with u atleast once..even i also wanted to meet u...even i also desired that kind of attention n respect( which i got for whole 1.5 yrs). I can't get into ur head n get to know that what u thought about me from beginning...but i got sure about one thing now..."THE URGE TO GET COMFORT N SECURITY CAN CHANGE EVRYTHING". Don't want to tell u but this is the truth that if this S was also sum normal ELTP or associate..u would not have taken him seriously. I don't know how much he loves his wife n kids..but devoting his valuable time(which he could have devoted for his family)...he did for u...whether it was waiting for u..for hrs..just to drop u..or cuming from samajiguda to hitech on peak hrs in evening just to pick u up. I still wonder that being a mature girl...y u entertained him while he was doing all this crap. Very rarely when i requested u to drop u to home in auto...u deined it by saying that "I don't want u to spend money unnecessarily on auto fare" (but u never considered how much time n money he would be spending while cuming from samajiguda to hitech).U know "D" there r so many things to tell n discuss that this whole letter can become a book afterwards...but there is no point in discussing all this. Coz this whole episode taught me one thing clearly "That what Hari did with me..u also did the same thing". But i guess that's what ppl do usually nowdays (Think about ur profit always). Consider me as a psycho..maniac..or crazy in be frank "i really don't care now".....

Today u r getting married...I don't know much about Krishna. I hope he loves u passionately...respect ur feelings n understands u very well :). Within few yrs. u'll b having ur own family, kids. If one fine day ur kid starts behaving like me...starts singing that love rhyme...then plz for my sake don't stop him or her.Let her/him do whatever he/she wants to do....cause eventually with time this whole love episode will teach him/her hell lot of things :).

I m not sure how much far we'll go together....but u always make one thing sure in ur life...If this whole world turns against u, then just take a look around n u'll find me standing beside u :)

I'll end this huge letter with one strange feeling that i always sensed...whenever i looked into ur eyes, i felt that u loved sumone truely :).

P.S:- We should always care for those..who care for us n i guess that's where i tumbled !

God Bless U "D" :)


maglomaniac said...

Dead letters.
Couldnt ask for much more...
Wont talk about ur anecdotes coz they wud make you smile as much as dey wud make u cry.

D taught G 1 more thing:
To be the dual edged sword.
To be the silent killer lurking
To be the person full of hatred
But on the surface calm like an ocean.
Sorry for the profanities.

Can never undrstnd,how sum1 love and think f marrying at a comfortable alliance.
Me 2 wud face dis 1 day.
I know,still I luv.

"We should always care for those..who care for us n i guess that's where i tumbled...."
Hope we wud reduce our tumbles;)

Tc buddy
luv u

Afterglow said...

dunno when i'll stop all this...but feels fine when i write all ma thoughts..really, blogging rocks !