Dead Letters n Endless Longing

This was one of the innumerable letters I've written but never posted... You know who I have written to... I know who I have written to...

"
Why did you do it? Why? Did I not love you enough? Didn’t I amuse you, entertain you enough? Wasn’t I caring enough? Why then…?
Was it…was it that HE loved you more? Never…never can anyone ever love you more than I do…. did I mean. Useless issues at this point of time…but still…
You knew it didn’t you, as to how much I loved you…
I was so happy. For once in my life I was truly happy. I wanted to be a part of your life ever so much…
True, it was only I who felt all these. You always played safe. Nevertheless, I’d made my feelings clear, didn’t I?
There were ever so many dreams…. so many wishes…so many prayers…

You never told me…hints there were, but I was too blinded by love too see them then. Now, it’s only them that I can see. Do you know how I felt when I heard about…about you and HIM? I could not believe it…I still cannot. Why…?
Is he urs so called MAN? Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? What did I lack? Why did you do it…?
Do you know the number of times I’ve run behind cars...going insane if i feel that u r sitting in one of them n njoying ur ride...Ah, the number of people who look like you…. Do you know that the mere mention of your name makes my heart skip a few beats? Each time I passed your office, I would resolutely turn my head the other way- but in my mind’s eye I could always see you....
Do you know the number of times I’ve asked your friends and acquaintances, as if I never cared, as to how you were, where you were, what you were doing…? Do you know the number of times I’ve thrown abuses at you in front of others- when at the same moment, hearts of hearts I’ve apologized a thousand times?
Do you realize the hurt? The pain? Those terrible sleepless nights? The sorrow? The frustration? The longing? The emptiness? The loneliness? The sense of failure? Each of this is just words to you- I lived through each!
True, you never promised me anything. You might easily ask me “Why love me so…. when I don’t care a damn about you?”. Ah…it isn’t that simple. Just because you walked out of my life- unceremoniously…. how do I stop loving you? Love is no bargain. Love is no deal. My love was true and so for a long, long time I continued to love you…
Do you realize how much I have changed? Gone is my innocence. Gone is my feeling of trust. I live on…in a world where I am suspicious of everybody and everything. I firmly promise myself, “Never, never again will I let anyone hurt me so…”. Do you realize how scared I am of loving again? Do you realize how much a part of me you have taken away?
Lastly, do you know how much I hate myself for having loved you? How much I hate myself, because a part of me, no matter how much I try, still continues to love you…....?"...As I promised you that one day i'll let u read all this...maybe on that day u can realize how much i was deeply disturbed or maybe not?...Till then u would have intrected with thousand of ppl...many Gs would have come into ur life till then...Many would have gone insane...But i can bet that u'll still remember me...not because u were having feelings about me, but because still I'll b the same guy who saw u for the first time during training n said "Hi"....

God Bless U !

G

Ten commandments for Perfect Peace Of Mind

Peace of mind is the most sought after 'commodity' in human life. It appears that most of us are in a state of perpetual restlessness. On analyzing the causes of this restlessness, Recently i came across a very nice piece of advice which i want to share on this space. Following are the ten solutions that need to be followed religiously if we are serious about achieving perfect peace of mind :)

1. Do not interfere in others' business

Most of us create our own problems by interfering too often in others' affairs. We do so because somehow we have convinced ourselves that our way is the best way, our logic is the perfect logic, and those who do not conform to our thinking must be criticized and steered to the right direction, our direction.

This kind of attitude on our part denies the existence of individuality and consequently the existence of God, for God has created each one of us in a unique way. No two human beings can think or act in exactly the same way. All men or women act the way they do because they are prompted to do so by the Divine within them. There is God to look after everything. Why are you bothered? Mind your own business and you will have your peace.

2. Forget and forgive

This is the most powerful aid to peace of mind. We often nurture ill feeling inside our heart for the person who insults or harms us. We forget that the insult or injury was done to us once but by nourishing the grievance we go on excavating the wound forever. Therefore it is essential that we cultivate the art of forgiving and forgetting. Believe in the justice of God and the doctrine of Karma. Let Him judge the act of the one who insulted you. Life is too short to waste in such trifles. Forget, forgive, and march on.

3. Do not crave for recognition

This world is full of selfish people. They seldom praise anybody without selfish motive. They may praise you today because you are rich and have power but no sooner you are powerless, they will forget your achievement and start criticizing you.

Moreover, no one is perfect. Then why do you value the words of praise of another mortal like you? Why do you crave for recognition? Believe in yourself. People's praises do not last long. Do your duties ethically and sincerely and leave the rest to God.

4. Do not be jealous

We all have experienced how jealousy can disturb our peace of mind. You know you work harder than your colleagues in the office but they get promotions, you do not. You started a business several years ago but you are not as successful as your neighbor whose business is only one year old. Should you be jealous? No, remember everybody's life is shaped by his previous Karma that has now become his destiny. If you are destined to be rich, not all the world can stop you. If you are not so destined, no one can help you either. Nothing will be gained by blaming others for your misfortune. Jealousy will not get you anywhere, but will only give you restlessness.

5. Change yourself according to the environment

If you try to change the environment single handedly, the chances are you may fail. Instead, change yourself to suit the environment. As you do this, even the environment, which has remained unfriendly for you, will mysteriously appear to be congenial and harmonious.

6. Endure what cannot be cured

This is the best way to turn a disadvantage into an advantage. Every day we face numerous inconveniences, ailments, irritations and accidents that are beyond our control. We must learn to endure them cheerfully thinking, "God will it so, so be it". God's logic is beyond our comprehension. Believe it and you will gain in patience, in inner strength, in will power.

7. Do not bite more than you can chew

This maxim should be always remembered. We often tend to take more responsibilities than we are capable to carry out. This is done to satisfy our ego. Know your limitations. Spend your free time on prayers, introspection and meditation. This will reduce those thoughts in your mind, which make you restless. Fewer the thoughts, greater is the peace of mind.

8. Meditate regularly

Meditation makes the mind thoughtless. This is the highest state of peace of mind. Try and experience it. If you meditate earnestly for half an hour every day, you will tend to become calm during the remaining twenty-three and a half hours. Your mind will not be disturbed as much as before. This will increase your efficiency and you will turn out more work in less time.

9. Never leave the mind vacant

An empty mind is devil's workshop. All evil deeds start in the mind. Keep your mind occupied in something positive, something worthwhile. Actively follow a hobby. You must decide what you value more - money or peace of mind. Your hobby, like social work may not always earn you more money, but you will have a sense of fulfillment and achievement. Even if you are resting physically, occupy yourself in healthy reading or mental chanting of God's name (japa).

10. Do not procrastinate and never regret

Do not waste time in wondering "should I or shouldn't I?" Days, weeks, months and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Always remember God has His own plan too. Value your time and do things. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can rectify your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET! Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the will of God. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's will. Why cry?

God Bless You All,

G

An Ordinary day :)

It's been long time i wrote nythin on ma blog...Maybe coz there was no flashback stuff left or maybe m too busy in finding ways which can keep me busy. Well, rite now I m thinking about movie I saw last night "Fight Club". This movie revolves around a guy who considers himself worth for nothin. Noone cares about him whether he is dead or alive. He considers evry human being moving around him as a xerox copy of each other. Evryone is lying, evryone's heart is filled up with haterd n envy, evryone is playing the same game..evrywhere. After watching that movie i realized that there was not much difference between his n my world..ppl around me. I liked one of pitt's dialogue i.e "Things u own ends up owning you" well, that's 200% true. Anyways after watching that movie i got to know that one of ma roomies b'day is there. It was 2:30 AM n i was feelin hell lot of tired..i lost my patience n slept. Morning i woke up..took my sweet morning fag n then wished b'day boy. Then for a while i thought what should i do or think today to make my day smooth..think...think...think....nothin came into my mind n i left that thought in midway only ;). Usually i do such inspirational crap but at the end it makes me feel as if m a psycho or highly depressed guy.....n desperately need all this. At the end of day only one question remains in ma mind Y she did this thing to me?..Y sumone came into my life n made such a huge diffrence..which m not going to fill it ever again... Evrything happens for a reason, may b there is some fu**in reason behind it. But yes, life is very unpredictable..u never know whats next !.
As usual Sudhir, my colleague came on to my desk n asking for a smoke. Ok, enough for 2day..i'll make a move now :)

See you again
G

Final Flashback

Days passed n i got transferred to chennai. My first impression for chennai was

1. Heat heat heat heat and heat....
2.Sambhar
3.Beaches
4.Ofcourse, Rajnikanth ;)
5.Lungi

The moment i stepped out of my A.C bus, i was in totally soaked in sweat. It was sweating like hell...i thought if it continues like that then soon I'll die of dehydration. Somehow i managed to land in my friend's room. From my first day i started my counting days when I'll b out of this hell. Everything was a big headache there...starting from morning till u fall asleep. Then she called me n i told her, how m bearing this third degree torcher. She was listening for a while n then told me only one sentence..."Always there will b two options in ur life, either stay happy or feel down...probability for staying happy will always b 50%, in worst case also" ...those words made gr8 impact on my mind. After that i never felt down or irritated during my stay in chennai.

That day i woke up in morning n as usual she miss called me. She was not talking normally...i sensed sumthin is wrong. After asking for many times, she told me the matter. A married psycho from her project was creating the problem. I told her to report this matter to high level management, but then she told me that this married psycho is manager or sumthin n she can't do nythin. At that moment i thought of catchin bus to hyderabad n knock that psycho on floor. But then she started taking this matter light. Evrytime when i used to ask about him, she use to change the topic sayin evrythin is going fine. One day i asked her frankly WHATS GOING ON????...she told me we both became good friends !!. I was surprised, shocked, sad...thousand emotions came into my mind within those fraction of secs. I couldn't able to talk with her that moment n dropped the call. With shaking legs i moved towards my office. My eyes were luking deep into space n legs were dragging me. Well, she told me long back that she likes people who r mature, successful n last but not the least they should be MAN...that's y it happened?..does she meant sumthin else by sayin all this?....she got whatever she was searchin for?....did she overstepped the border?....those principles, protocols etc were fake?.....what does this damn MAN means?...all these questions were banging into ma head. That married psycho gave her one proposal, that from "now onwards i'll drop n pick u up from office..DAILY !" Bingo ! that's what exactly she was searchin for...no more hush hush in local buses...running behind trains...breaking ur heads with autowalas. Comfortably sit in car n chit chat with that psycho. U guys must b thinking what happened to my daily talks....

G:OMG ! then how we'll b able to talk D?
D:Does it makes ny sense to talk daily...n u know naa i can't talk to u in front of him (Thinking*-What is this crap?..y he is not understanding)
G:But D :(...
D:It's ok G i can understand..but what to do(Thinking*-Phew! At last...samajh gaya bewkoof)
G:Ok :(...

In the meanwhile till date i sensed millions of lies....fake emotions...false promises .
Relationship went on degrading...bond was loosin it's strength...she was getting more comfortable n happy...i was getting tired of askin same question to almighty evryday "Y it happened to me ? :("...while she was busy in nurturing new bonds....i was loosing all hopes...while she was not at all aware of what does this damn "hope" means?....still i was tryin hard to preserve those memories.....while she was just leaving no impression behind this time :(

I won't b able to understand one thing...y ppl changes n still pretends as if nothin got changed???...how can they format their memory??...y they make promises which r supposed to b fake at later point of time??...n y ppl like me becomes victim of such situations????....But then i guess that's what they call LIFE...

With this post m ending ma flashback part...till date evrythin is going same. Finally we both r in same city but things r not same now as it use to b there. Hardly she gets time to talk with me. By this time she would have left office with him n now i should also move.
God bless u all ! :)

See you again
G

Flashback Part II

I came to bangalore....city of joy, pubs, discs and ofcourse our bread n butter "IT"....yes, that's what i heard of bangalore. Everyone here seems to be in gr8 rush, city full of youth and energy. First few days i was mesmerized by the charm of this place "Silicon Valley Of India". After seein crowd of software engg. here, i realized that m just a part of million robots. Ppl who are leading there routine life same as a robot does.

Luckily i found my college juniors here, so for rest of my days in bangalore i stayed in their flate. I didn't find ny problem in mingeling with these guys and moreover hardely i use to get time to talk with them. Saturdays and sundays i use to spend most of my time in cyber cafe..chatting with her :)...that was the only thing which keeps me near to her. Daily we use to talk hrs on phone and chat. Everything was going fine..the way i wanted and expected. But sometimes i use to get lil bit skeptic about long distance relationship...i read loads of crap about it, that long term relationship doesn't stays forever n etc etc. I was having confidence n faith on her that she'll continue in the same way so i started ignoring all this bull****.


Wake up in the morning, wait for her good morning miss call, then rush to office. While coming from office, take hault in cyber cafe...chat for sumtime with her n then sleep. That became my daily routine..daily.That cyber cafe use to open till 10:30 n daily she use to end her chattin sayin "What yaar !!...y this cafe closes so early..today we din't even talked for a while"...:)...After hearing this i use to feel very relaxed that 2day also the same bond n closeness exists...where it's written that long distsnce relationship doesn't works...c it's working fine in ma case..:). Sometime our chatting use to ends up with some kind of hot discussions...which makes her lil bit disturb b4 going to bed. Sometimes i use to pour my feelings on her...i couldn't stop myself...n that thing makes her disturb. Inspite of knowing her answer...inspite of knowing evrythin..then also sometimes i use to lostmy control. Then one fine day i took resolution that i won't chat with her in late night...just for her sake i took such big step. It was a very tough n big decision for me...then also i started controlling myself by reading novel....watchin TV...putting up my time n mind sumwhere else apart from chatting. She also got disturb for a while but then soon got use to it. Now we started chatting in saturdays and sundays only.



As i promised her b4 leaving that once in a month i'll regularly visit hyderabad. We use to meet in barista...the only one place in hyderabad where she feels comfortable :). She likes coffee very much...her eyes doesn't opens if cofffee is not there in morning n that also it should be there on bed. I still remember how we use to fight on counter for payin the bills n always i use to win ;)..still she does the same :). As promised while leaving hyderabad, I started visiting her once in a month. Oh god whatta bunch of sweet memories !! :)....Sitting next to her n keep on staring her eyes as m not gonna see them from tomorrow onwards. Those days she use to wear specs n rarely lenses (but now things got changed..rarely she wears specs)...The way she use to look at me n smile...only one word..AWESOME !....Time passed n one fine day she told me about his good friend "S" (i'll call him by S in ma blog)...She told me about him previously also but i took it light...neways who m i to ask her "what the heck he is doin in ur life"...like him m also just a friend for her. Lemme introduce u ppl with this guy S...he studied with her in school, then in college also....after finishin off his degree he flewed away to US for masters....In college days Mr. S proposed her many times.....but she kept on replyin him same old regular stuff, which she replyed me also..I dunno y girls do like that..first they'll b the only one to say that I LIKE YOU...n when guy modifies that sentence a bit to I LOVE YOU...evrythin changes drastically..U r my friend...i never thought in this way...my parents won't agree...we r from very reserved family..blah blah. Coming back to the story again, so Mr. S got mad n told sum bull**** to her. Finally there so called good friendship got broken. They never talked with each other afterwards. So on that day she told me that Mr. S's sister is not well n he called her from US. He pleaded her to help her in preparing for college exams. She was waiting for that chance or wanted to show him "look still m ur friend"..whatever..but finally she told ok i'll help her. I dunno y the hell she use to tell me all this incidents...previously i use to think "well she has faith on me that's y"...whatever it was, but now it's all crap. So as planned by Mr. S evrythin went fine n at the end again they started chatting on yahoo n phone. The way she use to tell me about him i sensed easily that both are njoyin this reunion after so many days. I never liked calling engaged nos. but then also she use to chat with both of us parellely. I know that sounds crazy but i felt it very bad. So i stopped that limited chatting also....n as i expected she never asked me also again that "G what happen..y u r not cumin on yahoo nowdays"...i wanted to give her comfort in evry aspect whether it's physical or mental...while chatting i use to know that on the other side S is also there with her...so there was no point in asking her again n again "y u r replyin so slow....y u r taking hault in between while chatting..etc"....i thought it's better to drift away from her so that she can njoy her space...N of my surprise she was happy with this freedom..at the end that's what she wanted. It hurts a lot when u see urself drifting away from someone u love n that also when decision is urs :(...Rest in next entry till then bye n take care



See you again
G

Flashback part I

Then one day her office got shifted to new place. Though i was surrounded by hundered ppl in my office but then also i was badly missing her presence. That feeling was so strong that i couldn't dare myself to go office for few days. The moment i use to enter in office i feel her smiling face evrywhere...those days were my worst nightmare. Then our communication hooked up on chatting or on phone...rarely we use to meet. She was very nervous on her first day in new office....what kind of ppl she has to face now....her best friends won't b there nearby her from nowonwards....all these things were making her feel very low. Then i came into picture n consoled her, I tried my best to support her n make her realize that sumtimes new beginings in life brings many new good things which u never expect :). From morning till evening i use to chat with her, to make her comfortable in new environment n not feel alone. I was happy now that m doin my best for her. I gave my 200% in evrythin to her. The way she use to share each n evrything happening in her life use to make feel awesome :). I use to feel as my only purpose of taking birth on this planet is getting fullfilled. Now after sharing millions of thought, words n emotions...she became evrything for me...my daughter, my sister, my mother, my lover. I started seeing evry possible relation in her. I started taking care like a mother does for her kids, I started respecting her like nyone does for there parents, I use to share each n evry secret of mine with her as brother does for his sister and love her as noone does. Our relation became very strong with evry single day passed.

Then i got transferred to some other city. She cried a lot on the day when i was leaving, after seeing tears in her eyes for a moment i felt calling my manager n say him that "Go to hell..i won't leave this place". But then i realized that evry thing happens for a reason in ur life. As it is said that u know importance of things only when they are beyond ur reach n sumtimes distance brings two heart more near. With all this motivational crap in ma mind i moved from her city :( . But i was knowing that my deepest fear will come true soon....

See you again
G

Flashback

Two yrs back i did my engg. n entered into so called corporate world. Right now m working as an software professional in one among those thousand MNCs. After coming out from my home town for job i saw many new things and yet to see many more. It was like a cub stepping in wide jungle for the first time. I was not aware of many things....people's behaviour, how this world reacts towards u, how to survive in abstract conditions, how to stay far from ur beloved ones. In fact many of my past experiences forced me to start writing blog so that i can share my views with u people. Past experinces...hmmm..my incomplete love, my mistakes, my regrets, ppl around me, good and bad things around me.

It all started when i newly joined my company..initially they conducted sum kind of training for freshers. She use to sit next to me..angelic smile with touch of simplicity, got all ingredients for a perfect Indian girl. Yes, it was love at first sight for me...i simply use to wonder daily that how can nyone b so perfect n pure as she was :)...days passed n slowly we started talking with each other. In coming months we became good friends...yeah, that's what she use to say..we are good friends . Days converted in weeks n weeks in months...we continued sharing our thoughts n views through chatting for hours. I still miss those hours which seems to b magical at that time. I never had any girlfriend before neither it was in my list of necessary things needed to live. But god was having some other plan. After long waiting n struggle from myself one fine day i propsed her. that was the first time i was proposing ny girl. Millions of thoughts were running in ma mind at that time, but then i gathered all my strenght n said those three beautiful words. She didn't replied on that day...next day while chatting she gave me the ans...yeah u ppl guessed it right!..it was "NO"...For few days i was not there in my senses..evrythin on this planet was annoying me...i was veryy depressed. Then she came n whispered in my ears that world doesn't ends here :)..we can stay as best friends forever n ever....it took very long time for me to accept her as my friend. But as it is said evrything is fair in love n war...i thought "OK god gave me sum other way to stand beside her forever...n what difference it makes if she likes me as a friend, still i have chance to wait for the answer which i wanted to listen"

....WAIT...WAIT...whole one year passed. Many things happened in between....with evry passing day my love for her became more stronger..i did whatever i can do to make her smile again...if she use to shed one drop of tear, that day i use to stay awake for whole night. As a best friend she use to share evrythin with me, whether it's personal or official n i use to suggest her evry possible solutions. Yeah that's what u can expect from a true lover n i was just behaving in that way only. Sometimes it use to become very hard for me to mantain proper balance between friendship n my feelings towards her. Many times my inner feelings for her use to overcome friendship n i use to behave in very possesive manner. Those were the times when i use to struggle a lot with myself and lot many arguments use to happen between us.


I don't like the way she was having huge guys fan following. I don't like the way she use to tell me evry other day about sum tom dick harry proposing her. I don't like the count of males in her orkut profile exceeding females. I don't like her intimacy with other male best friends. And all those dislikes use to end with sum kind of argument.

I guess it's enough fo now :)...there are lot many things to write...will continue in next post..till then bye n take care :)

See you again
G